Anthem of the Week: Adventures in Creating the Perfect Mixtape

I’m writing an “Anthem of the Week” to make up for my lack of “AotW” — the last of which I’ve written was way back in September 2011 – that’s just plain inexcusable.

I used to love music – so much. It defined me. It shaped my conversations. My attitudes. My understanding of people. It made me dance, it made me cry, it made so much sense to me. People would ask me what to listen to – what new and exciting artist is worth their time? I would name it – they would listen to it, they would love it, they would hate it and ask me for more.

Not any more.

Why? Because as much as I love music, I do not lean on it any more to define me. I know who I am and I am not musical. Unfortunately. It took me a while to accept it, far longer to just say it, but there. So what good is there in creating a mixtape if music is not what defines me?

There are two things wrong with that question: 1) I’m a movie person and movies need soundtracks; 2) Just because I do not depend on music to define and shape my interactions with the every day does not mean that music isn’t a part of me.

The Pakistani, Salvadorian, North American cultures I belong to, bring out an inner force that compels me to respond to musical rhythm. It’s very much in me and I’ve nourished that inner force by surrounding myself with music throughout the years.

A schmorgashmorg of feel-good

SIDE A:

Doo-Wop (That Thing) – Lauryn Hill

Devil in a Blue Dress – Wilson Pickett

Jeepster – T. Rex

53rd & 3rd – The Ramones

Please Mr. Postman – the Marvelettes

I Only Have Eyes For You – the Flamingoes

Knock On Wood – Amii Stewart

Down in Mexico – The Coasters

My Doorbell – The White Stripes

Jump in the Line – Harry Belafonte

SIDE B:

My Sweet Lord – George Harrison

The Seed – The Roots

New Noise – Refused

U RA Fever – The Kills

1999 – Prince

Sad House Daddy – Hawksley Workman

D’yer Mak’er – Led Zeppelin

Coin-Operated Boy – the Dresden Dolls

Superstition – Stevie Wonder

Bicycle Race – Queen

B-SIDES:

Deceptacon – Le Tigre

Sharks – Cadence Weapon

Son of a Preacher Man – Dusty Springfield

These Boots Are Made for Walkin’ – Nancy Sinatra

Love Burns – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

A Boy Named Sue – Johnny Cash

**Maybe I do not pursue the discovery of new music with the same gusto as I did in my youth, but I know what I like.

Thank you Whitney French for inspiring the model of this post*

POEM: I Challenge You To A Sonnet Duel!

Last year, my friend, published poet Whitney French, and I challenged one another to a Sestina-off.

She won. With her poem: a wish.

This year, once again in honour of National Poetry Month (i.e. April), we decided to throw down. Elizabethan style.

I drew my pistol the fastest and below are the fruits of my trigger-happy ways. Whitney has yet to deliver, but it’s nothing a little peer pressure can’t cure…

Happy Sonnet reading!

Sonnet XXI

Midnight arrives, you should sleep, go to sleep
dream about the makings of a surreal painting,
paint it the way you paint things, be deep,
boast about the Miyazaki-like creatures creeping -
a subway train sluggishly turning that tunnel
to a faraway utopia of inexplicable deforminities
in people, your friends, those who pretend, funnel
secrets to your enemies, reality’s anxieties
like is your best friend’s boyfriend a wife beater?
or is it just what he wears? You dream he’s bulging,
pregnant with a monster named cheater
the cheetah – it’s somehow always indulging.
And then you wake up, state calm yet perplexed,
violated, rested – wait, what’s the subtext?

SEX! Now that I have your attention, let’s talk about sex scenes in movies

Were it up to me, I wouldn’t be talking about this (oh wait…), but as I write my screenplay, I find myself writing in a sex scene. Why? Because it makes sense – it moves the plot forward, it reveals character and touches upon a few key themes. And you know how the saying goes: “if you can’t fight it, write it.”

The filmmakers I admire approach sex with a certain class, but for the most part – porno and erotica aside – sex is a contrived component to any film. When I say sex, I don’t mean the moments leading up to or the moments following intercourse, I’m talking about “the during”. You know, that part in the film when you shift uncomfortably or sit really stiff and uptight, gripping a bit too tightly to the armrest, maybe your mouth is slightly agape and your stare is unwavering – yeah, that moment. Most of the time, it’s unnecessary to show “the during”, but it sells, dammit!

Here’s a few examples of sex in film (sorry, no photos of boobs):

1) The Notebook (2004)

Okay. I haven’t seen this movie, but I thought it would be a good movie to use as an example of what Hollywood standards of romance and love making are: a tender, loving, beautiful manifestation. There is the argument that these kinds of movies set unrealistic standards of romance for young men and women alike, particularly in regards to what a relationship should look like, but I digress…

2) Shadows (1959)

I bring John Cassavetes’ film “Shadows” into this compilation in budding contrast with his son, Nick Cassavetes’ “The Notebook.” We don’t see “the during” in Cassavetes’ films. In “Shadows”, we see the after. It’s Lelia’s first time and she says, “I never thought it would be so awful.”

3) Y Tu Mamá Tambien (2001)

Sex is all over this movie. Is it excessive? No. Pointless? No…Ugly? Yes! In the sense that the sex is raw and unattractive and awkward yet muy caliente.

4) Showgirls (1995)

The pool scene! C’mon! If you ever questioned the satirical integrity of this movie, I am sure the over-the-top pool sex will sway you. I’m with Verhoeven on this one – it’s a fictionalized slice of Vegas sleaze, the sex scene better be surreal!

5) Team America: World Police (2004)

This movie pokes fun at…everything! And everyone! Especially at the 1980s action flick motif of adding a sex scene in a film that doesn’t need one. I think puppets are the perfect vehicle to demonstrate the artifice of Hollywood sex scenes.

Oh, right…I meant “love scenes”…

Tags: famous sex scenes from movies

The A.N.I.T.A. System

I’m giving TV another shot. I think I was brash in my decision to separate from it completely. I was in a bad place after Angel was cancelled in 2004 and I may have said things I shouldn’t have…Anyway…Sorry, TV. I really like what you’ve done with the place…That show, “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” cracks me up. ‘Love it! How did I go on without it?

As I catch up on seasons past, I got acquainted with the infamous “The D.E.N.N.I.S. System” episode, cementing Dennis Reynolds’ identity as a sociopathic sex predator…of sorts. Although this fictional character’s behaviour is not one to model oneself after, the creative writing that went into the system’s conception and the episode attached merits my seldom-given accolades. A detailed refresher of “The D.E.N.N.I.S. System” can be read here.

I was hanging out with some friends last night and we were having fun coming up with Dennis-inspired “systems” through acronyms based off our respective names. I say we, but it was mostly they. Alright, all they. They never got to me. Granted, I do give off the semblance of over-niceness, but whatever…This is my blog and behold the A.N.I.T.A. System…were I a vain sociopath:

A – Ascribe to his principles

N – Nurture his ego

I – Ignore contact

T - Turn up randomly

A – Avoid entirely

In one’s attempts to seduce a man, it is important to (A)scribe to his principles. By fibbing here and there, you place him in a comfort zone – let him think he’s in control. (N)urture his ego – in more ways than one if you catch my drift (wink, wink) – go out of your way to make him believe that you’re the only person who truly appreciates him for who he is. This can take on the form of well-timed flattery to loving attentiveness to bribing his friends and family to reject and/or insult him. Once he starts to depend on you for positive reinforcement (I)gnore contact – make him feel bad inside, as if there’s something wrong with him. After two weeks without seeing him, (T)urn up randomly at his favourite hang out spot. He’ll either resent you or try to understand you – whatever happens, just know that the sex afterwards will be awesome because of all the unresolved tension that exists.

And as he’s sleeping, you slip off into the night, never to see him again: (A)void entirely.

Tags: dennis reynolds, it's always sunny in philadephia, satire, sociopath, the d.e.n.n.i.s. system

By Joe, Eszterhas it!

I’ve attempted to read the biographies of famous storytellers in the past. Most recently I tackled the Akira Kurosawa and Toshiro Mifune joint biography, but failed. The small font, 800 pages and three renewals overtook me in the end. I’m a slow reader. I’m not a skimmer – key words don’t stick unless I’m completely enraptured by the story and the only way I succeed in ensuring that is by reading every damn word.

It’s fair game with the memoirs of Joe Eszterhas, Hollywood Animal. A Hollywood screenwriter who has received equal parts praise and revilement for his work – be it the sexploitive powerhouse thriller, Basic Instinct, to the sexploitive commercial-failure, Showgirls - Eszterhas, as you can tell by his headshot below, is a paramount force any young writer would be wise to heed.

Hollywood Animal is not a cautionary tale, it is quite simply put the crucial events in Eszterhas’ life that have shaped him into the screenwriter we love and hate. Although the stories follow no set chronology, often flip-flopping from one point of his career to another, embarking on his memories of growing up in post-WWII refugee camps to name-dropping and smack-talking like there’s no tomorrow, Eszterhas has an incisive sense of storytelling and a written voice that is as imposing as his gruff image.

In his honest vulnerability, he jabbed a sore spot with me, even bringing in famed Network and Altered States screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky to back him up. Paddy said:

Becoming a director diminishes a writer – it may give him more power and control, but he loses the writer’s perspective.

Like Paddy before him, Joe has no interest in directing, nor should any writer, he thinks. As unreasonable as that sounds, I get it. It is a feeling that inhibits the very reason why I want to direct what I write. Think about it. Pretend you are Eszterhas, a devotee to the manual typewriter. He spends three years writing a 200-page script. On a manual typewriter. He takes the time to adjust the tabs. On a manual typewriter. Do you see the painstaking devotion that shapes his perspective on what a writer should be?

And here I am feeling guilty; using an automated program with templates that adjust the tabs for me. Me, feeling guilty, for wanting, perhaps somewhat naively, the glory of auteurship.

Eszterhas says something lovely. He says a lot of things lovely, but I love this particular idea. He gives young writers advice, despite being given the advice to do the contrary if he wanted to survive as a writer in the film industry. He says:

Put every ounce of heart and soul and guts and passion that you possess into every sentence of every screenplay.

And laugh.

Tags: hollywood, joe eszterhas, screenwriter, screenwriting, writing

Andrew, Your Peter Parker Voice is Like Music to My Ears

WordPress says my blog posts don’t need to be long schpiels of philosophical grandiosity, so I decided to post the trailer for an upcoming movie my brother, myself and a lot of my fellow nerdlings are anticipating. The Amazing Spider-Man!

As if it needs any more press orword-of-mouth…

Trust me, anything to get the gross taste of Sam Raimi’s ill-fated Spiderman franchise is a blessing to moviemaking in general. More than anything, it reminds me (surely more than just me) of Saturday mornings growing up watching the Spiderman below:

The storytelling was a lot more organic than the 1960s version:

…though less ethnically diverse than Marvel’s current one:

The future of Spiderman seems bright!

‘Being Human’: Always Be Sinking to Brand New Writerly Lows

Being Human (US Version) has not evolved in its written quality since its first air date last year. The situations are still contrived, the dialogue is stagnantly expository and devoid of any tension no matter how much they try to culminate it…I don’t know who runs the show, but I know this much: I don’t like you. In fact, I’m pretty sure these feelings bubbling inside of me are hate. There’s a lot of disgust there.

Last week’s episode titled, “All Out of Blood”, which — it doesn’t matter what the episode was about — the writer sunk to a new writerly low. If you ever wondered what the hand of the producer on a TV series looks like, your perfect example comes in the form of one line in that particular episode.

The line? “Always. Be. Selling.”

Courtesy of Syfy. "Remember boys: Always. Be. Selling"

What’s wrong with it? It’s a borrowed idea.

As a writer, I have no problem with stealing an idea. Actually, it’s encouraged in our field. Borrowing, however, is, what we like to call in the bizz, lazy-ass bullshit. Borrowing is when you take an idea and modify the superficial aspects of it so it meets the demands of a given someone or something, in this case the producer(s) .

The quote “Always. Be. Selling” is referring to a famous one used in sales: “Always. Be. Closing” as in: always be closing the deal. The quote was brought to prominence by one David Mamet who wrote an entire play (then screenplay) about the cut-throat industry of real estate…behold the famous scene:

So with Being Human, I know what happened.

The writer presents his teleplay and the producers say, “I don’t know about that line: ‘Always. Be. Closing.’ Do you think people will get it?”

Writer: “It’s a famous line. They’ll figure it out.”

Producers: “What’s the bottom line here? What is Sally trying to say?”

Writer: “Well, um, she’s reminding her roommates that they need to sell Zoe on Sally.”

Producers: “There we go! ‘Always. Be. Selling’! Much clearer. Write, write, write or need we remind you who pays your salary?”

It’s stupid. The producers are undermining the intelligence of those whom they are trying to entertain. That’s just as bad as rewording “To be or not to be?” to read “To live or to die?”…What? People do that? Ugh.

Tags: always be closing, being human, mamet, tv writing, writing